I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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