remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
