she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
