Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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