last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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