I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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