is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
so let's talk penis.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
