im drinking this country out of the recession.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
