I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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