Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Randomize
