So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
