Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Randomize
