her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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