it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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