Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize