i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
