I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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