I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I don't think brook has ever known best
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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