is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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