I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
