Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You're a waste of cheezeits
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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