So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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