my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
