here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
