he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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