Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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