My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
