Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
