I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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