the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
