You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
