no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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