i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
