I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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