I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
