happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
