well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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