a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
It's rum buckets o'clock
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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