it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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