dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
