No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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