In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
