I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
