I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Randomize
