I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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