I cannot find my penis.
Apparently you make a good broom.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
