Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
