i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Small penises have feelings too.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize