I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
