I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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