Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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