If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
