My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
