I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
