I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
