My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
