I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
