I need help removing her.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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