She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
