it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
