I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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