My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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