and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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