wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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