textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
