The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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