I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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