I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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